Magical Staffs of Doom!
by yaoifangirlHolly
Summary: Another humourous Merlin recap, this one of series 1, episode 7, in which Sophia and Aulfric show up. Enjoy! This one isn't as slashy


**Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin. The BBC do. I get no money from writing this stuff, only praise from my readers, which warms the shackles of my heart.**

**Story: Another humorous recap, this time, of episode 7 of series 1, in which two mysterious figures arrive at Camelot...**

And so, this episode opens with a hand, floating in some water (exciting, huh?). Armour...blonde hair...vacant expression...OMG it's Arthur! A freaky lady above water is lowering her hand down from above, which can only mean bad things *nods head knowledgably*. He's sinking lower and lower, and then suddenly! Our pretty Morgana wakes up, looking gorgeous, with no bed head whatsoever (oh, sorry, I'm not meant to be focusing on that, am I?)

*opening credits – gotta love this theme tune – everyone hum along now*

And so, trekking through the greenery with a crossbow (is this historically accurate?), is our gormless prince (only kidding Arthur, I love you really, and if I don't, at least Merlin does). Speaking of Merlin, here he comes now, barging into Arthur's butt just as he was getting a good aim.

ARTHUR: You really are a total buffoon, aren't you Merlin?

MERLIN: *meek voice* I was just asking...

ARTHUR: Who, me or the deer?

MERLIN: *tearful* You're going to shoot Bambi? And no need to take out your sexual frustration on me!

WOMAN IN DISTANCE: *screams*

MERLIN: Well, that's convenient. A damsel in distress for you to save!

So, the dashing Batman and his underappreciated side kick Robin, oh sorry, I meant Arthur and Merlin, rush over to find a group of medieval thugs attacking a woman and what we presume to be her father, and not her sugar daddy.

ARTHUR: *executes standard twirl before proceeding to kick the thug's butts*

MERLIN: *dorkily runs over, mouse bait still in hand, and uses some magic to assist Arthur, not that anyone notices, poor boy*

ARTHUR: *walks over* You alright?

WOMAN: No, thanks to you *bats lashes prettily*

ARTHUR: *jaw drops open at her apparent beauty*

MERLIN: *rolls eyes*

WOMAN: I'm Sophia. This is my father.

ARTHUR: Arthur Pendragon, at your service *kisses her hand*

MERLIN: Wow, he really hasn't had any in a while if he has to lay it on that heavily...

The scene changes to where Sophia and her father, apparently called Aulfric, are introducing themselves to Uther.

UTHER: What brings you to Camelot?

AUDIENCE: *facepalm* Uther, they're holding magical looking staffs, and wearing sorcerer-y like clothing! Don't you think it's possible that they just might be sorcerers, the evil kind for once?

AULFRIC: We had all our stuff stolen *shifty eyes* can we crash at your pad for a while?

UTHER: Sure thing.

ARTHUR: *mentally shouting in his head* SCORE!

MERLIN: *glancing at Arthur* He is sooo transparent...

SOPHIA: *throws sultry glance at Arthur as she leaves*

ARTHUR: *checks her out again* Hubba hubba!

MERLIN: *rolls eyes*

And so, Arthur and Merlin head back to Arthur's chambers. Arthur's probably planning on a cold shower later, though I don't know why, personally, I think Morgana is much more beautiful than Sophia.

ARTHUR: Make sure you put her in a decent room.

MERLIN: The one next door is empty.

ARTHUR: That will do nicely. Excellent.

MERLIN: *smirk*

ARTHUR: Shut up, Merlin.

MERLIN: I didn't say anything! Yet... *snickers*

ARTHUR: You didn't have to. My intentions are completely honourable! Just because I haven't had a shag in a while...

MERLIN: I could help on that front, if you want...

ARTHUR: What?

MERLIN: Nothing.

ARTHUR: I guess...you'd better put her in a room on the other side of the castle.

MERLIN: Well, if you're such a good boy, surely I can put her in the room next to yours?

ARTHUR: Yeah, alright.

MERLIN: *smirks*

So, as Merlin is playing good host and practically offering to give Sophia a tour of the castle, Morgana is walking down the corridor, and sees Sophia just as she is disappearing into her room.

MORGANA: Who was that?

MERLIN: Sophia. Arthur fancies her.

MORGANA: She can't stay here. She'll usurp my throne as prettiest woman in Camelot!

MERLIN: Well, the king said that she and her father are welcome. Even though he's an idiot because they're so obviously magical.

MORGANA: *continues to look haunted*

MERLIN: Is everything okay?

MORGANA: *manages to flash her dazzling smile* Yes, thank you.

So, she goes to see Gaius, cause he's known about her nightmares since she was small. And they're not the kind that a night light will cure, unfortunately.

MORGANA: *continues to look haunted* Your bench is on fire.

GAIUS: My bench is on fire, what are you...MY BENCH IS ON FIRE!

MORGANA: ...I had another dream.

GAIUS: About Uther again? I think you're suffering from the Elektra complex, Morgana. You see Uther as a father figure, and have become sexually attracted to him...

MORGANA: No, not that kind of dream. A nightmare. About Arthur. He was drowning, and there was a woman, standing over him, watching him die. And she's here. In Camelot. I dreamt it before she came to Camelot!

GAIUS: I know what will help you. Stronger drugs! Here you go.

MORGANA: *looks mildly comforted* Thank you, Gaius.

After this follows a brief scene in which Aulfric returns, and pays the thug who didn't get killed because he ran away, for playing along in his act. Then he kills him anyway.

The scene switches back to Camelot, in which our gorgeous Morgana is sleeping roughly again. Let's all take a moment to admire her gorgeous nightie thing shall we? Anyhoo, she has the same dream again and wakes, as distressed as ever.

Early morning, and Arthur is telling Merlin his plans for the day.

ARTHUR: I'm taking Sophia out today, you know, to show her around.

MERLIN: *making Arthur's bed like the married couple they so are* Why're you telling me this?

ARTHUR: I'm supposed to be with my father this morning. Lie for me, like a good servant, would you?

MERLIN: But I'm a terrible liar! I think it's because I'm pure at heart, you know?

ARTHUR: I promised! I can't miss her batting her eyelashes at me!

MERLIN: You like her then?

ARTHUR: Yeah! What's not to like? *long wolfwhistle*

MERLIN: Well, maybe that she's planning to sacrifice you to her Sidhe friends to get back into Avalon? Oops, we haven't got to that bit yet have we? Alright, I'll do it.

ARTHUR: I love you Merlin, you're a star!

And so, as Sophia rides off into the woodland with our young prince, Morgana stares out of the window after them. She's told Gwen about the dream.

GWEN: You should speak to the king.

MORGANA: And tell him I can see the future? That'll go down worse than the time I asked him for a jewel encrusted pony...

GWEN: If Arthur's life is in danger though...

MORGANA: I know how he'd react.

GWEN: You're his ward, he would never harm you!

MORGANA: Well, if we see if a preview of episode 12 you'll find he chains me up in the dungeons! I'm going to have to try and stop that whore myself. No one harms one golden lock on my Arthur's head!

Meanwhile, poor Merlin has been left to face the music. That is, one big scary king.

UTHER: Where's my son.

MERLIN: He's getting some, uh, I mean, I don't know. I think there's been a mistake. But it's not his fault, I mean...

UTHER: Stop gibbering.

MERLIN: It's my fault, really, you know, I

UTHER: Where is Arthur?

MERLIN: He's not here.

UTHER: Well, duh! No shit, Sherlock. Now, where is he?

MERLIN: Basically, I forgot to tell him.

UTHER: If this were a time of war, I'd have you flogged!

MERLIN: And since it's not we'll let it go just this once? *charming smile*

Merlin is put in the stocks and pelted with tomatoes. If you're a stupidly obsessed Colin Morgan fangirl like myself, you'll know he's allergic to tomatoes, so had to wear a special barrier cream when they pelted him with them.

In the leafy green forest, Sophia has taken Arthur's hands (that whore!).

SOPHIA: Tuch von prixhur ator.

Sadly, she's cut off from her mystic mumbo jumbo as some guy nearly shoots an arrow at them, though Arthur's quick reflexes save her. As he walks over to yell at the guy for nearly making mincemeat of his hot totty, she is quietly cursing to herself. She gets all freakily possessive of her magical staff, though Arthur doesn't question why, or even why she has one in the first place, since she has no walking impediment.

Merlin comes home with a hair full of various rotten fruit and vegetables. He tells Gaius that Arthur is besotted with Sophia, and prompts Gaius to do a little breaking and entering of his own. He examines the staff and then Aulfric arrives and he makes some half hearted excuses (he seems to be as bad at lying as Merlin is) and scarpers.

Arthur and Sophia arrive back at Camelot, and she kisses him on the cheek before departing.

BRADLEY JAMES FANGIRLS: No, get your lips off him you conniving bitch!

Morgana just happens to be walking the same way as to bump into Sophia again (what are the odds in such a huge castle?)

SOPHIA: Lady Morgana isn't it? I'm Sophia. (think fake sincere mixed with a chirpiness that her evil plan is working nicely)

MORGANA: What are you doing here?

SOPHIA: My father and I are guests of the king *pseudo innocent*

MORGANA: You're lying! I know what you're going to do to him and I won't let it happen! Arthur's virginity is mine, you man eater!

SOPHIA: Does Arthur know you feel this way about him? Of course he does. I suspect he's already turned you down.

(Ooh, a catfight is brewing now!)

MORGANA: Don't think you can make a fool out of me! *yells after her* YOU WHORE! YOU SCHEMING LITTLE TRAMP!

So, Sophia returns to the chambers where her father is, and they exchange info and realise that both Gaius and Lady Morgana are on to them. Not everyone is as stupid as Uther, Arthur and even apparently Merlin, it seems.

Meanwhile, Morgana is starting a conversation with Arthur about Sophia, obviously preparing to warn him off her. I really get a "protective older sister" type vibe going on in this scene, not that Morgana and Arthur wouldn't be a nice couple.

MORGANA: So...you seem fond of her. I've never seen you fall under a woman's spell so quickly.

ARTHUR: If you're jealous, it's alright to admit it. Hey, I mean, you, Merlin, Gwen, and now Sophia. It seems like everyone wants a bit of me lately.

MORGANA: I'm trying to protect you! She isn't what she seems.

ARTHUR: What makes you say that?

MORGANA: I just have a feeling...women's intuition? I had a nightmare.

ARTHUR: *laughs* You're so sweet. Why don't you just admit you like me?

MORGANA: You pig! I hope she eats you up and spits you out! *leaves*

Morning comes, and guess what? Arthur wants Merlin to lie for him again. We all know how that turns out don't we boys and girls?

MERLIN: *pouts* Don't make me lie again Arthur! They throw potatoes! It's only supposed to be rotten fruit!

ARTHUR: I think it was worth it. It all went swimmingly.

MERLIN: *raises eyebrows suggestively* It went well? Anyway, it'll all be peachy. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole deception lark.

Hope you've got your tomatoes ready people, because sadly Merlin's not as good as he thinks he is...

But let's not think about Merlin being pelted. Let's focus on Arthur, frolicking in the woods. Even if it is with that trollop, Sophia. She then takes his hand, and begins with the gobbledygook again. Seriously folks, if there's a guy, or girl out there you want to enchant, apparently all you have to do is take their hand, make eye contact, and say "Cheek nom fogish". Arthur's eyes are becoming languid now (ooh, sexy), and hers flash the devil's red and she completes her hocus pocus.

Merlin arrives back at Gaius's again, sexily clad in the food of the townspeople.

GAIUS: *finally voicing his concern* I fear that Sophia may not be all that she seems.

MERLIN: Really? She looked pretty good from where I was standing.

GAIUS: The point is, before she actually came to Camelot, Morgana had a dream. Sophia was in it. Killing Arthur.

MERLIN: Wait, before?

GAIUS: That's what I said Merlin, you nonce. I've been watching Morgana since she was very young.

MERLIN: You pervert!

GAIUS: ...and some of the things she said she'd dreamt, happened later! OMG! Anyway, I didn't tell Uther.

MERLIN: Morgana is a seer? Wait, so if me and her shacked up, we could have wizard babies?

GAIUS: Focus, Merlin! I snuck into Aulfric's room and once I'd waded past his Playboys, I noticed that his staff is magical!

MERLIN: Playboys?

GAIUS: Focus, Merlin! It's not who they are that worries me, it's what they are.

Meanwhile, in Arthur's room, Sophia is continuing to brainwash him, telling him their love is strong etc. etc. If I were her, I would totally have had sex with Arthur while he was bewitched...

SOPHIA: *leans in and kisses Arthur*

BRADLEY JAMES FANGIRLS: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now it's Merlin turn to do some illicit sneaking! He follows Aulfric to a lake, and hides behind a tree (normally implausible but Merlin is skinny enough to pull it off).

AULFRIC: I seek an audience with the Sidhe elders! *indecipherable gobbledygook*

(a bunch of fairy things appear, and flit about so fast, Merlin has to use some magic to allow his eyes to catch up)

MERLIN: Ooh, look at the prettyful fairies...

AULFRIC: I'm here to win passage back to Avalon! Look, I killed the other Sidhe, not my daughter.

FAIRY DUDE: The gates of Avalon remain closed to your daughter, unless you can offer us a mortal prince.

AULFRIC: I've got just the one – Arthur Pendragon! We'll drown him here tomorrow, sound good?

FAIRY DUDE: It's a date.

AULFRIC: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you I don't swing that way?

MERLIN: *behind tree* Aw shit.

AULFRIC: *commences with the demented cackling*

Merlin hurries back to tell Gaius everything.

GAIUS: It says "to hold life and death in your hands" on their staffs. Funky, huh?

MERLIN: Gaius, don't try to be down with the kids.

GAIUS: We're dealing with the Sidhe! They're masters of enchantment!

MERLIN: Arthur's been enchanted? Ha! I knew he would never fall for a woman by himself!

GAIUS: ?

MERLIN: Nothing...

So, enchanted!Arthur has requested an audience to tell Uther he wants to marry Sophia. Even though he doesn't really, obviously.

ARTHUR: It cannot have escaped your attention that I've been sneaking off to the woods with Sophia a lot. We're in love. I want to marry her.

UTHER: *laughs* You're not serious. You've known her for like, three days.

ARTHUR: We're in love.

UTHER: In love? Did you know he was such a romantic, Morgana?

MORGANA: No. *glares at Sophia*

ARTHUR: I was only asking to be polite. I'm still marrying her.

UTHER: You've forgotten whose court you're standing in.

ARTHUR: You can't stop me.

MERLIN: Oh no, not another father/son spat. Someone throw a tomato at me, I can't look.

UTHER: *threatens to execute Aulfric and Sophia* (WTF Uther?) You've got your whole life ahead of you Arthur! You need to get laid as many times as you can before you're stuck in a marriage!

So, Uther and Morgana are walking out.

MORGANA: Don't you think you should be taking this more seriously?

UTHER: Nah, it's just a phase. Just like when I caught him and Merlin together in the broom cupboard. He'll get over it.

MORGANA: I don't trust Sophia. She's dangerous.

UTHER: Why do you say that?

MORGANA:I just...don't trust her, that's all.

UTHER: Look, whatever it is...you can tell me, okay?

MORGANA: *after tantalising pause* I've just seen girls like this before. Man eaters.

So, Merlin arrives to find enchanted!Arthur packing.

MERLIN:I know you think you're in love with Sophia, but you're not! Look at this Cosmo article – signs you're in love with someone.

ARTHUR: *swats magazine to the floor* Get out!

SOPHIA: *arrives with Aulfric* I told you people would try to keep us apart.

ARTHUR: *robotic voice* I won't let that happen.

MERLIN: Don't listen to her! Look at me! Look at my pretty face instead! Have you seen the writing on their staffs? Arthur, do you see?

ARTHUR: *turns head, revealing red eyes* I see everything.

MERLIN: *makes a dash for it*

AULFRIC: *blasts him against wall*

Night time is falling, and Morgana is horrified to see Arthur leaving Camelot with Aulfric and Sophia (convenient how she's always looking out of her window at the right moment) and runs off to Gaius.

MORGANA: Arthur'sgoingtodieArthur'sgoingtodieArthur'sgoingtodie!

GAIUS: It'll all be fine, don't worry. I'll find someone who can help.

Once Gaius has found Merlin, Merlin runs through the wilderness to find Arthur, desperate to save his prince and once true love.

MERTHUR FANGIRLS: YAY!

So, Arthur stands, glassy eyed, as Sophia says an emotional goodbye to her father, before commencing to lead Arthur into the lake.

MERLIN: *still running*

AULFRIC: *indecipherable gobbledegook*

MERLIN: *trips, picks himself up and carries on*

As Aulfric continues shouting his nonsense, Sophia reaches up to kiss Arthur one last time, and we wonder if this is part of the ceremony, or if she's just taking advantage to kiss him (as anyone would, really). She pushes him back into the water and raises her hand (just like in the dream, I hear you all shout!)

So, Merlin nicks Sophia's staff and uses it to vapourise Aulfric. Sophia sees him, panics, and tries to run forward, but being in the water she can only wade ineffectually. So Merlin vapourises her too. Bye Sophia! I'm sure Morgana feels a sudden, inexplicable surge of joy, wherever she is.

So, Merlin takes off his jacket, and saves Arthur's butt.

MERTHUR FANGIRLS: YAY!

But, we don't get a mouth to mouth scene.

MERTHUR FANGIRLS: Aww...bummer.

So, Merlin and Gaius are sat at Arthur's bedside when he wakes. Conveniently, he doesn't remember much, so they can string together their first mildly convincing lie of the whole episode.

ARTHUR: There was a girl. Arthur liked girl. Arthur no remember any more...Wait! *bolts up in bed* What was I thinking?

MERLIN: Well, we did wonder. You're meant to fancy me, remember? Our little master/servant frisson? You eloped with her last night.

ARTHUR: I did what?!

GAIUS: Merlin had to bring you back to Camelot. He had to...knock you out.

MERLIN: *enjoying this way too much*

ARTHUR: No one, can know about this! Got it?

Back at the court...

UTHER: When you didn't show up for our fun patrol this morning I feared you'd run off with Sophia!

ARTHUR: *looks expectantly at Merlin*

MERLIN: *sighs that he has to do this again* I wish he had. Cause then I wouldn't be stood in front of you, feeling like an idiot. Again.

UTHER: What now?

MERLIN: It was a mistake, and it was no one's fault.

ARTHUR: *looks at Merlin*

MERLIN: It was my fault.

ARTHUR: After Sophia left, I went for a hunt.

MORGANA: You caveman, Killing things mends a broken heart?

ARTHUR: ...No, but it's good fun. Merlin, was meant to inform you that I wouldn't be back until later today.

UTHER: Have you some kind of mental affliction?

MERLIN: Yes! It's called aversion to my one true love swanning off with an evil woman while I get pelted with tomatoes!

Luckily, Merlin has cleaned up all nicely for when Morgana shows up and is looking decidedly spiffy in a red jacket. He's a sexy boy...

MORGANA: I've had some troubled nights...

GAIUS: Have some more drugs.

MERLIN: Gaius, I don't think you should be so pharmaceutical happy. It's not healthy.

MORGANA: Arthur told me what actually happened. *looks at Merlin* You...must have hit him pretty hard...

MERLIN: *unconvincingly* Yeah, I feel really bad about that.

MORGANA: *leaves*

GAIUS: She must never find out the truth.

MERLIN: Wha? Why not?

GAIUS: Uther would chop her into little pieces!

MERLIN: Is she like me?

GAIUS: Nah, she's not favoured by the slash dragon. You're special Merlin.

The scene switches to Morgana's chambers. She's sleeping serenely, looking smoking in purple, her lovely raven black hair spread on her pillow. And then she gasps and awakes...


End file.
